Clothes Man is a superhero. He’s a superhero with a difference.

Clothes Man was just an ordinary dude, called Charlie Marley. He grew up in the south of England, leading a fairly ordinary life, even with a name like that. He got average grades in his GCSEs, and he flunked his A levels. He bummed around for a couple of years before going to university as a mature student to study fabric technology.

Charlie’s final year dissertation was on the production of high technology organic materials that can be manipulated with small electronic currents. These currents would be controlled and diverted according to brain activity, for instance separating two or more layers slightly in order to trap layers of air if the brain starts to think that the wearer is cold. The extra layers of air help to insulate the body and raise core temperature. Genius, eh?

Well, it was a great idea until things went wrong. During testing, Charlie decided to wear one of the suits himself, rather than testing on a manikin. Charlie was a bit of a martial arts expert, and had made the suit in the style of a Shaolin monk’s robes. It was February in England and some tool opened a window, making it super cold. Charlie hated the cold so much that his brain went ballistic and started sending super strong chi signals to the clothing, which was still in early stages of development. A circuit overheated and shorted, causing a huge build up of heat all over the suit. The suit melted fast to his body, making the suit become part of his skin.

And so, Clothes Man was born. That’s right, he actually isn’t even wearing any clothes. That’s his skin!

After an extended time in hiding and recovering from the burning, living off of whatever he could find on the streets, Clothes Man began work on rewiring the suit to become functional again. After some time in his new secret lab, he was soon able to control the suit.

Then he started adding new functionality to it. An invisibility cloak. Wings. Super-strong lightweight strands that can instantly wind into rope, or curl up super-tight and out of the way on his waist. Sharp pointy blades that shoot out of the sleeves. And it still looks a bit like a Shaolin Monk’s robe, which is sweet.

In short, bad guys should start mending their ways because Clothes Man is bad-ass. He’s going to make sure that people pay for what they’ve done or, even better, stop them before they do it. He particularly dislikes lazy arsed, bastard, stay at home watching Jeremy Kyle, robbing, vandalising, benefit thieving scum bags. But he’s going to begin by hunting down whoever it was that opened that fucking window.

Idiot.