Story Time

Heaven and Hell both exist here on Earth. If you are lucky then you spend most of your existence somewhere in the middle.

The patterns morph endlessly, beautiful to behold but with no eyes to see them. Here an eternity lasts an instant and an instant lasts an eternity. Time has no meaning and neither does space. The universal is subatomic and the subatomic universal. Each new iteration of the totality of fractal patterns contains infinite new universes spontaneously birthing and living out their existences until returning to the void. So many to choose from. The subconsciousnesses of infinite life forces exist in this place, between lives. Each one resting and waiting for what it feels to be the perfect snowflake before connecting with it and entering into it to live again. This realm is the domain of deepest endless wisdom. Wisdom without thought.

Within each snowflake exists a universe full of super clusters and clusters of galaxies. Within each galaxy there are star factories, supernovae, black holes, solar systems, vast expanses of nothingness, and everything in between. Within each solar system there are whirling discs of gassy, icy, and rocky matter orbiting and crashing together to form planets. Each planet is an experiment for the sake of it with no experimenter. There is no hypothesis and no assumption for what constitutes a successful outcome. Within some planets, complex, self organizing, competing systems emerge. In some circumstances a complex, self organizing, competing system develops the capacity to contain a life force. These are the hosts that infinite subconsciousnesses are drawn to when they enter.

Within this universe, galaxy, solar system, planet there is a system of life that has spawned over a minutely short period. At this point in time there is one dominant species evolving to be master and destroyer of its environment. Societies have organized and adopted ideologies. Entire populations are subject to varying degrees of control or freedom by centralized institutions under the guise of protection and security. Some are centralized autocracies. Others are more socialist with increased freedom. Seemingly perfect systems of organization are devised and then implemented by deeply flawed coordinators, who find ways to capitalize on their position of power. Similarly, entities consisting of thousands of enslaved beings adhere to rigid instructions to earn the necessary means for survival. The enslaved find ways to circumnavigate the processes in order to find a balance that they can live with. Hierarchies form with the mediocre finding ways to survive and thrive, leeching off of the abilities and successes of others. As with the governments of societies, so the ideologies for organizing these entities vary and change according to the circumstances, or whoever happens to be in power this week.

It is in one of these entities that our hero has found himself after birthing into a life form 30 years earlier. Ignorantly unaware of his previous life as a hero and destroyer of evil, he now survives the ennui of each day by imagining how he would love to aim a sniper to his bosses face from a mile away and pull the trigger. Or just chop the fat face from his head with an axe while he was stuffing it with gourmet cuisine, talking so the whole world can witness his digestion begin. Of course, he would never actually do this, but the thoughts were at least a release for the boredom and frustration he felt. You see, he always felt that he was destined for greatness. Like he was the star of a movie. A thrilling white knuckle ride of a car chase blockbuster, or an emotionally varied rollercoaster adventure where the exciting part was just about to start. Something really memorable where he defeats evil, gets the girl, restores peace to the galaxy, and walks into the sunset with humility while everyone else watches on in admiration.

But no, Steve was a cyber security professional for a small to medium sized global enterprise that helped to make rich companies richer by convincing poor people to buy their useless shit; shit they didn’t realize they needed.

Steve did not remember the endless fractal patterns. Steve did not appreciate the vast unpredictable miracle the he had helped to save in a previous life and was now a part of. Steve was unfulfilled.

I’m a narcissistic arsehole. Or a narsehole, if you prefer. Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this. That said, I know now what real grief is, having not really understood it for 40 years or more. I also know what it feels like to be confronted with your own mortality. These can be challenging and torturous things for the mind and dwelling on them for too long can negatively affect your relationships with those closest you.

Mindful of this, if there is one thing I would ask of you then it is this: Please don’t suffer. Know that I have moved on and wherever I am now is none of your business. Concern yourself with living your lives to the best of your ability, and accept that your ability will change from day to day. You can not be perfect every day, just as I was imperfect every day.

Remember the good times we shared but also remember the bad, and know that I, while selfish and thoughtless at times, was also on occasion intentionally hurtful. There are many four letter words to describe me when I behaved that way. I was only human with all the human gifts and curses you would expect, and some more unique ones I suppose.

Know that I loved those closest to me intensely. Love me for the good times and hate me for bad if you like, and hate me for dying as well. But forgive me quickly because it is not good to carry hate around with you.

I am still with you in one way or another, literally or figuratively, in your memories or in the physical universe I have returned to, or present in other living beings, or whatever you prefer to believe. Wherever or whoever I am now, I will not be happy unless you are happy. So grieve quickly and do not torture yourself for months as I once did in the face of grief. Embrace life and have fun wherever you can. Love to sing, and dance, and laugh, and I will be there with you.

“You’re right, there’s nothing more lovely, nothing more profound, than the certainty, than the certainty that all of this will all end” – OK Go.

Beautiful words that he had heard many times before. But after the mental and emotional rollercoaster of the last 8 or 9 months, they were only just now beginning to truly make sense. From a child right through until his forties, death was only really something that happened to other people, at least two or more degrees separated. Seeing other people grieve was alien and unknown to him. He could offer condolences and convincingly comforting words, while secretly always believing that he was himself invincible. Since the death of his own father, however, the realisation of his own mortality was a hefty blow, almost as great as, and certainly compounding, the actual grief itself.

Then one day, it clicked into place. Accepting his own mortality and no longer being afraid of it was the final piece of the puzzle for this most challenging of escape rooms. He was going to die one day, just as everyone else is destined to do, and this is a fact. Maybe the event itself would be traumatic and violent, or maybe it would be peaceful, who knows. In either case, animals tend to find a way of coping with the unbearable until it is over. What was the point in continuing to wallow in grief in self pity for the fear of death, constantly philosophising on the likelihood of an afterlife, or whether life itself is worth living, when he could just as well get on with enjoying the living of it.

The door was finally unlocked and he already had one foot across the threshold. Peering out into this new life with fresh eyes he thought to himself… “All I need to do is keep on going”.

For so many years, people had tried to encourage him to play nicely with others; to form many meaningful relationships, contribute to society. This is society’s mantra: Connect and Contribute or be Outcaste. Something always held him back; a trigger in someone’s actions that gave the warning sign. Sometimes it was something significant like being double crossed, thrown under a bus, made an example of by a teacher for something insignificant, or going out to play with some friends who never intended to play with him, only to make sport of him. Other times it was something more subtle that gave him the warning sign that somebody was capable of one of these betrayals; he casual use of the wrong word at the wrong time, or expression of a preference for selfishness, or the opinion that humans are better than animals or trees. Very few people managed to stay off of his blacklist, or prove themselves otherwise worthy of forgiveness of such minor transgressions in other ways. No one is perfect after all, least of all him. But imperfection is a sliding scale.

Even society itself had proven to be an unworthy suitor for his approval. The benefits were clear… Support networks, healthcare, what else? Insurance, and other dull necessities? But the drawbacks were far greater in number. The insatiable greed, the sustained need for uncontrollable growth, the failure to recognise when enough is enough. War, death, money, property, CO2 in the atmosphere, people. There will never be enough of these things until they bring an end to the naturalworld. And even then, they will find a way to continue the destruction and consumption. Humanity’s only hope is that from the impending self-cull, there will be a small contingent of survivors strong enough and smart enough to cope with the new environment they have created without completely annihilating each other. Hopefully they will also be wise enough to not be so greedy next time.

He knows there’s a way out because he has been here before,
He just has to remember how,
This feeling that he needs to be somewhere else,
And the path he needs leads back to Now.

Humanity is smart, or at least it can be from time to time, when required. It is, unfortunately, also pretty stupid, greedy, and selfish. The single cell must replicate itself and consume it’s competitors to ensure that resources will be available for it’s ancestors. Scientists observe it in their Petri dishes under microscopes with the presumption that humanity is somehow more advanced than this.

And yet for all our genius, technical advantage, and superior sense of superiority, it is the ancient natives that were truly wise. The aborigines of Africa, Australia, and America or the enlightened Buddhists perhaps. It is better to share then withhold. Better to be hit than hit. Better to take only what you need than hoard.

Our only hope as a race on this planet is that eventually the individual, primal greed that is causing the destruction of our environment and depletion of resources will be replaced with one simple realisation. The only thing that can save humanity is a reduction in population together with an increase in the numbers of trees. Trees will become protected creatures and tax benefits will be granted to those that provide growing space for trees on their property and do not produce multiple human offspring. Until then, the trees and other inhabitants of the planet will often wonder whether a successful pandemic might be just what the planet needs to restore some kind of equilibrium.

Lying there on the ground, his good arm cut off and fingers twitching a few metres away, he struggled now to control his breathing. No amount of controlled stress exposure in life could have prepared him for this ride. His axe lay between him and his arm and he inched towards it at a slugs pace until he was able to clench it with his non-dominant fist. The bodies of his foes are scattered around him, all dead or dying, including the last of them, the one responsible for his severed arm. The glorious moment at which he cut through this adversary’s carotid artery with his belt knife will live on forever in the organic matter that remains of him, consumed by the worms, trees, and birds.

He calms his breathing as he begins to feel the coldness of this next unassailable foe. While the blood drains from his wounds, he accepts the cold now and embraces this new adventure as it begins, as if he has a choice. He is about to discover the answer to the unanswerable question. Excitement is replaced by the deepest of meditations. He continues to focus on his breathing as with the many times he has practiced ancient yogic breathing exercises. And as always, the beautiful snowflakes and other concentric and fractal patterns that appeared in his vision, begin to materialize, eyes closed. Those innumerable moments dancing the line between consciousness and eternity were a rehearsal; a mere hint at the kaleidoscope of oblivion that awaits us all. Or most of us.

Distracting memories dance in front of him. Some joyful, some deep and meaningful, others absurd and inexplicable. Then there is the blackness. And then the light. The light becomes yet more patterns, shapes, and colours the likes of which we only typically see in procedurally generated displays at dance parties, spawned from equations. M.C. Escher on steroids and acid. His consciousness moves into this ethereal fabric. An ever morphing framework at the smallest possible scale from which all other existence is manifested. These colours and shapes are stronger than anything he ever saw in his breath work. Not that he would remember now, as he becomes detached from his memories and consciousness. He is no longer a “he”, or a human, or a mammal, or on planet earth, or in the year 2022. His life force has become a part of the origin once more, from which it may by chance leave in order to become a living thing again. His memories are at the mercy of the physical realm and become a part of other beings through the random connections they make with each other. Eating, drinking, breathing, genetic inheritance, and other forms of consumption and transference that we have not seen or imagined.

The void. The fabric. The ether. The platonic shapes. The Mandelbrot set. The lights without photons. This is what is everywhere but cannot be measured or detected. It is where we come from and where we return to. Reaching this state makes everything else seem irrelevant and inconsequential until we learn that this is not the fate of all life forces. Only those that have lived a relatively true life, on balance, are destined for this psychedelic treat. Perhaps we will discover the fate of those who have lived less altruistically some other time.

Here is one reason why…

Everyone’s luck runs out eventually. When that happens to you, you may find yourself and your loved ones at risk from a malicious or mindless threat. If this situation is something that you can do something to overcome, then you ought to be in the best possible shape you can be to overcome it. You may not ever be as strong as Thor or as smart as Sherlock. But at least if you know that you are as strong and smart as you can be, then whatever the outcome of your encounter with doom, you could not have done anything more. And if you get any enjoyment from the preparation then all the better for you.

… that nothing is forever? All of this will end. You will die, your children and grandchildren will die. Humanity will destroy planet earth or destroy itself, or exhaust its resources. Or the world will be hit by an asteroid, or swallowed by an exploding sun.

And in the time that we do have, we are confronted with so many problems; so much injustice. How do you cope? How do you sleep at night while so many others are suffering?

A fox is startled by a dog and runs into a road where it is hit by a car. It does not die instantly but lies there unable to move while it’s entrails are scattered around itself. And while it bleeds out on the side of the road, other cars drive past and its litter of cubs wait patiently for starvation to begin, or for some other predator to respond to their cries.

This happens all the time. The equivalent is happening to all kinds of creatures all the time. How do you sleep? While persecuted people are bombed, children die in fires started by soldiers, babies are crushed in hospitals. How do you sleep? While the richest people find ingenious ways to avoid paying taxes to governments, and governments accept bribes to allow it to continue, how do you sleep?

One way is to simply accept the things that are out of your control. But are they really? You could volunteer for MSF or Save the Children. You could become an activist against social injustice. You could get up off your backside and do something constructive to make things better for someone.

But what is the point? The people you help are going to die anyway. Your children and theirs are going to die.

What is the point?

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