Story Time

I almost don’t mind being awake at 03:45 when you get to hear this. I love summer:

Clothes Man is a superhero. He’s a superhero with a difference.

Clothes Man was just an ordinary dude, called Charlie Marley. He grew up in the south of England, leading a fairly ordinary life, even with a name like that. He got average grades in his GCSEs, and he flunked his A levels. He bummed around for a couple of years before going to university as a mature student to study fabric technology.

Charlie’s final year dissertation was on the production of high technology organic materials that can be manipulated with small electronic currents. These currents would be controlled and diverted according to brain activity, for instance separating two or more layers slightly in order to trap layers of air if the brain starts to think that the wearer is cold. The extra layers of air help to insulate the body and raise core temperature. Genius, eh?

Well, it was a great idea until things went wrong. During testing, Charlie decided to wear one of the suits himself, rather than testing on a manikin. Charlie was a bit of a martial arts expert, and had made the suit in the style of a Shaolin monk’s robes. It was February in England and some tool opened a window, making it super cold. Charlie hated the cold so much that his brain went ballistic and started sending super strong chi signals to the clothing, which was still in early stages of development. A circuit overheated and shorted, causing a huge build up of heat all over the suit. The suit melted fast to his body, making the suit become part of his skin.

And so, Clothes Man was born. That’s right, he actually isn’t even wearing any clothes. That’s his skin!

After an extended time in hiding and recovering from the burning, living off of whatever he could find on the streets, Clothes Man began work on rewiring the suit to become functional again. After some time in his new secret lab, he was soon able to control the suit.

Then he started adding new functionality to it. An invisibility cloak. Wings. Super-strong lightweight strands that can instantly wind into rope, or curl up super-tight and out of the way on his waist. Sharp pointy blades that shoot out of the sleeves. And it still looks a bit like a Shaolin Monk’s robe, which is sweet.

In short, bad guys should start mending their ways because Clothes Man is bad-ass. He’s going to make sure that people pay for what they’ve done or, even better, stop them before they do it. He particularly dislikes lazy arsed, bastard, stay at home watching Jeremy Kyle, robbing, vandalising, benefit thieving scum bags. But he’s going to begin by hunting down whoever it was that opened that fucking window.

Idiot.

I would advise that you keep a close eye on me and learn from the mistakes I demonstrate. These errors are well rehearsed and purely to benefit your learning experience.

What? You thought I was doing this by accident?

lol!

It bothers me, on occasion, how very inconvenient, and sometimes time consuming, the act of going to the toilet can be. You might be really busy trying to meet some kind of work or study based deadline, or maybe you’re just having loads of fun. But when nature calls, you have to stop what you’re doing, find the nearest dumping ground and unleash your waste into the china bowl, and watch as it is flushed away into the cleaning system.

The whole arrangement is very inconvenient, time consuming and harmful to the environment. There are 7 billion people on this planet at the time of writing. Just think about all that shit and piss. And, pooing is bad for you. I know it can feel pretty good at times, like when you get a clean break (no wiping required) and if you can avoid the klingons. But, poo causes colorectal cancer, which is a pretty nasty way to go.

I have devised a theoretical solution for this problem, based on a mixture of current technology and technology that will be with us in the not too distant future. Here it is.

1. Upon reaching adulthood, all humans get a minor operation performed on their urinary system, to divert urine to the same exit hole as poop.
2. As part of the same operation, a synthetically produced and hypoallergenic tube is inserted into the colon. This tube runs from the inside of the rectum, diverting the flow of waste to another part of the body, perhaps the upper thigh, where a connector is situated.
3. A separate device is supplied to the individual for the purpose of disposing of waste. The unit contains GPS location technology, and four fold-out limbs with propellers, similar to the flying CCTV bots already in use. The individual carries several spare of these devices.
4. When the tube reaches capacity, a small signal is sent to the individuals brain, via a number of possible routes, audible, or otherwise. This prompts the individual to plug in a device to the connector.
5. Once the device is connected, the contents of the tube are sucked up into the device until it reaches capacity or until the tube is empty.
6. Once the device contains its payload, it disconnects itself and extends its limbs. It locates itself via GPS and works out the location of the nearest processing plant. It then promptly whisks itself away to be processed. The device is solar powered.
7. Processing involves converting as much of the waste as possible into biofuel, and the remainder into fertiliser.

There are some issues here with regard to the privacy of the individual. So the choice would need to be made whether to:

1. keep donations anonymous, and have no way of tracking how much an individual feeds back into the system, or
2. track the ID of the individual and reward them for their donations by reducing their fuel bill, for instance.

The paranoid amongst us would be uncomfortable with option 2 as it would be possible for authorities, or the associated press to grab a device, identify the individual, and then process their sample to see what they had been eating, drinking, where they had been, etc.

If you’ve read this far, shame on you.

Check out this super hot picture. Oooh yeah!

Sometimes people can surprise you. They can surprise you in ways pleasant or otherwise.

I’ve decided that from now on, I’m going to expect the worst from people by default. That way I won’t ever be disappointed again, and occasionally I might be pleasantly surprised or even overwhelmed.

I would like it if people would do me the same courtesy. However, I am a realist and I know that people have high expectations of me. I also have high expectations of myself. I will therefore continue to try and meet these expectations.

If there is one thought that’s helping me to cope with the pain, it’s the fact that I’m lucky enough to live in a developed country. As much as I respect people who live in the old way, I respect them even more because I know that if they were suffering like I am right now, they would still have to endure the hardship of their way of life. While I limp over to the bath or kitchen tap, they might have to travel for miles to get water. As I hobble my way to the fridge to get some lunch, they might have to forage for vegetables or catch some fish.

It’s at times like this that you should ask yourself, could you really survive out in the real world?

I think I may have just invented the greatest cat name, ever.

No matter what combination of science and spirituality you hold true, pause for a moment to consider how amazing a thing it is for a set of chemical reactions in one being, or many individuals in harmony or unison, to influence the very air we breathe in such a way as to vibrate our auditory apparatus into triggering the specific chemical reactions in our own brains that we in turn interpret as feeling or emotion. They can even make us dance.

Combine this with artistic visualisations and screenplay and you have a powerful tool capable of reaching the masses, billions of people worldwide.

Now stop and ask yourself if the likes of n-dubz, Justin Beiber or any of the mass marketed, over produced, recycled drivel broadcast over the radio, television and Internet is really the best use of this real life, everyday miracle. The music industry is an evil thing indeed.

Now go and treat yourself to a strong dose of proper music. You deserve it.