It bothers me, on occasion, how very inconvenient, and sometimes time consuming, the act of going to the toilet can be. You might be really busy trying to meet some kind of work or study based deadline, or maybe you’re just having loads of fun. But when nature calls, you have to stop what you’re doing, find the nearest dumping ground and unleash your waste into the china bowl, and watch as it is flushed away into the cleaning system.

The whole arrangement is very inconvenient, time consuming and harmful to the environment. There are 7 billion people on this planet at the time of writing. Just think about all that shit and piss. And, pooing is bad for you. I know it can feel pretty good at times, like when you get a clean break (no wiping required) and if you can avoid the klingons. But, poo causes colorectal cancer, which is a pretty nasty way to go.

I have devised a theoretical solution for this problem, based on a mixture of current technology and technology that will be with us in the not too distant future. Here it is.

1. Upon reaching adulthood, all humans get a minor operation performed on their urinary system, to divert urine to the same exit hole as poop.
2. As part of the same operation, a synthetically produced and hypoallergenic tube is inserted into the colon. This tube runs from the inside of the rectum, diverting the flow of waste to another part of the body, perhaps the upper thigh, where a connector is situated.
3. A separate device is supplied to the individual for the purpose of disposing of waste. The unit contains GPS location technology, and four fold-out limbs with propellers, similar to the flying CCTV bots already in use. The individual carries several spare of these devices.
4. When the tube reaches capacity, a small signal is sent to the individuals brain, via a number of possible routes, audible, or otherwise. This prompts the individual to plug in a device to the connector.
5. Once the device is connected, the contents of the tube are sucked up into the device until it reaches capacity or until the tube is empty.
6. Once the device contains its payload, it disconnects itself and extends its limbs. It locates itself via GPS and works out the location of the nearest processing plant. It then promptly whisks itself away to be processed. The device is solar powered.
7. Processing involves converting as much of the waste as possible into biofuel, and the remainder into fertiliser.

There are some issues here with regard to the privacy of the individual. So the choice would need to be made whether to:

1. keep donations anonymous, and have no way of tracking how much an individual feeds back into the system, or
2. track the ID of the individual and reward them for their donations by reducing their fuel bill, for instance.

The paranoid amongst us would be uncomfortable with option 2 as it would be possible for authorities, or the associated press to grab a device, identify the individual, and then process their sample to see what they had been eating, drinking, where they had been, etc.

If you’ve read this far, shame on you.